Ineffectual interpretations

There are drafts sitting in my draft folder off here to the side, but I'm going to ignore them for the moment. I'm not ready to deal with them.

I think this...let's call it a sabbatical because that seems more to save my sanity than perhaps "state of unemployment" does and it's a bit more technically correct since I haven't actually lost my jobs or been released from my employers. My classes simply didn't fill this term. So for the moment, I am going to pretend that I'm not concerned with mundane things like finances.

What this is, rather, is a chance to reassess some directions. Obviously the goals that would have required money are put on the back burner. Side note: a lot of things I want to do require money--rather frustrating. And for the last two to three weeks I have obsessed and worried and freaked out over this because the control was wrested from my grip. And there was a lot of moaning and sighing and frantic job searches and a lot of not sleeping.

And then...well, then I just decided to quit doing that. Now when I go to bed, and once I'm done recreationally reading (because I actually have time for that), I breathe--slowly in, slowly out--and I let my thoughts empty out. I think this is meditating? I don't really know because I've never really been good at that. My mother was wary of meditation when I was younger because when you empty, something has to fill it (aka demons?); in yoga I couldn't wait for the shavasana because I could just lie there and yoga was over, except I couldn't be still and would hop up a moment later. I don't chant or hum--I've never cared for the affect of this (sorry to those who are really into chanting and humming)--and I'd probably wake up Scott who would wonder what was wrong.

I guess I am centering myself and just being in my skin, which is something else altogether uncomfortable usually. It's me finally saying "Okay, universe, let's figure this out." And then trying to interpret the things around me.

God, I sound so new agey and ridiculous.  Essentially, it's this: I'm a person who makes things happen, and right now, things are most decidedly not happening the way I expected. So I have to figure out how to make them happen in other ways or figure out what I'm supposed to make happen from this, but I'm also trying to listen (very hard) to what is being said around me, to catch the little pieces to figure out what is going on. It's like a cipher without a key or hearing an unfamiliar language. It's damn difficult, but comprehension is just beyond my grasp. If I keep at it, I'll have it.

I'm going to post some pretty pictures in my next post, and you will all be saved from more of my whining.