The February slumps

February always makes me low. It's the hardest month to struggle through: still broke from the holidays, it's dark, it's cold, the days are still short, and my body just wants to sleep (and sleep and sleep and sleep). It is hard to motivate, but in our world we have to motivate. February is a hinge month; we're gearing up for the next thing (spring, summer, tax season, whatever) and we need the energy to do this, but it's just. not. there.

I'm facing down big things right now, and I have to get them done, but it's soooo hard to do them. It's small steps at a time: write 50 words today, grade 3 papers this evening, apply for that 1 job, do this 1 project tonight. Even getting up, showering, making coffee, and dressing (in that order) are so damn difficult right now. I always think it's depression; I do not suffer depression, but these funks sure feel like it. Just let me stay in bed. Everything feels like it weighs a ton. I feel like I'm moving through water, forcing that foot to step, that food to be eaten, that word to be typed. I don't stagnate, I just simply slow down. Significantly.

It's also the month of indecision for me. I need to go to bed; I don't want to go to bed. I feel whiney, whimpery, and childish. I want to throw tantrums (about what I don't know) and I just don't have the energy.  I'm angry that it's winter still, but I resent the flowers that are already appearing in my yard (it's too early, stupid flowers; you're going to die!). I am resentful and angsty. For no good reason! It's truly bizarre. And it happens every year. And each year, I can't figure it out until someone reminds me that it's the February funk. "What's wrong?" can only be met with "I don't know. Things just feel...off."  Then I suffer through the "ugh, I'm a terrible person because there is nothing really even wrong and I'm complaining." It's a nasty spiral. Blerg.

I think it's probably good that I don't have a full-time, in-office required kind of job life. I'd use all of my sick/personal leave in February. As it is, I just sit and give the papers and things needing grades the stink-eye. "Go grade yourselves," I mutter as I give them a good shove. Write yourself, blog (yeah, we've seen that this blog is not self-motivated to write itself...stupid blog).