On new things

I have been working on courage and throwing myself out into the ether even more to see what happens this year. I have shadowy dealings and secrets--which aren't nearly as diabolic as they sound, sadly. Let me try this again.

When I am facing down changes, big, life altering changes, I have to fight the very Sagittarian nature to talk about them, to share the details and the hopes. Scott has helped to quell this tendency a bit, thanks to his particularly secretive Scorpio nature (this is not meant as a disparagement, but as a general truth). Part of the reason is because life just doesn't always pan out the way we hope, and if I must be miserable, sad, and disappointed, I would rather it be mine to deal with and come to peace with. When things do pan out, then I can celebrate with others and they can say the usual "Oh! I had no idea you were doing that. Yay for you!"

There are only a few who know things/plans from the beginnings, and then there are others who find out from drunken nights. Give me alcohol and all the secrets come out. I would make a terrible, terrible spy. Spy: "Here's vodka drink; tell us your secrets." Me: "Ok!" What I imagine, though, is probably much less romantic than dark corners, silky dresses and sharp knives and more along the lines of Chunk's confession to the Fratellis in The Goonies. Yep, that's about right.

Courage I have in odd ways: I've thrown myself out of a plane, I've moved with no reassurance I'll land on my feet, I venture into different adventures not knowing the outcome, and more. But the soul-deep courage I falter on a bit. Also the things that may require big money and a longer commitment of time. Those scare the bejeezus out of me. But it's all part of the bigger plan, the bigger picture. We know where we want to end up, but it's going to take some huge leaps like this to get us there. I'm not always the best with slow and steady, and I never really have been. There is a lot of wrestling with my nature to keep this in check and to shore myself up for the long haul. There is a lot of assessing, reassessing, checking, rechecking involved, and I imagine more of this over the next few years as we work toward those goals we have.

I'd answer the "what do you want to be when you grow up?" question with a similarly puerile answer: Can't tell you (yet). *smile*