On waiting

I don't wait well. I am impatient, ready for whatever it is (vaguely waves hand around to indicate the ethers) to happen. I, like most people, I imagine, have always been like this. I couldn't wait to grow up, to do the next thing. I often tried to force things to happen before their time, or I sit in the present and obsess over the future.

This is where I am now. Scott reminded me the other day, as I was again apologizing for fretting and worrying, that this down time is obviously for a reason. I admit that it's probably true, but I'm ready for it to be over and to have learned the lesson and/or gained the experience and move on.

I keep mulling over the various phrases I have uttered over the last few months, and I fight the urge of thinking "I was so stupid to have said that; I take it back!" to the "Well, what's said was said, so let's ride this thing out." The scariest is just not knowing what's on the other side. I feel like I have been walking (at a rather fast clip) and suddenly chanced upon a very high, large wall. It stretches up, and I cannot see over it. It stretches for miles in either direction, so I cannot see around it. I can always backtrack, but what is the point? I will come again to this wall and will have to figure it out later if I don't face it now. I'm going to have to climb the damn thing or figure out the magic phrase to let me pass through. I am not a fan of heights, but I'll brace myself and deal with them if necessary. As far as the magic phrase, perhaps I just need to find someone to help me through. I keep imagining a figure like Gandalf at this point for some reason.

And so, I wait and try to perfect the art of that. Waiting doesn't necessarily mean patience is required. It is more of finding ways to occupy oneself until the waiting is over. Maybe it is time to face down those stacks of projects I have been putting off because of work. Maybe it is time to commit to the vague promises and ideas that float into my mind and get tucked away. Maybe it is time to hit the job markets again and to seek other things.